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MARK ON MATHS


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.


He replies, 'None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'


Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE MARK ON MATHS (Part 2)


Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic


'Why?' asks the father?


'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.


'But that's right!' says his dad.


'Yeah, but then she a sked me 'How much is 3x2?''


'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father


'That's what I said!'


LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH


Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'


MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'


Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR


Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'


The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'


Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Pt 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'


'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


' My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''

LITTLE MARK ON
GETTING OLDER


Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'


Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.


I LOVE Little MARK!!!

The Man Rules¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

Think

Before you speak...



Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

The last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

Immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....





FIRST TESTIMONY:



I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked

Loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...

He knew better.





SECOND TESTIMONY:



I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the

Store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."





THIRD TESTIMONY:



My sister and I were at the mall and

Passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked

If we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.





FOURTH TESTIMONY

:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

My toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

Her after receiving looks of disgust

And annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and

Said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.







FIFTH TESTIMONY:



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was

On him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in

Between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked

My seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny

Had

Not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an

Accident,

And I don't have any clean clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"



"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting

Worse.

So, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"



While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly

Pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,

Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!







LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:



This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

Embarrassed female news anchor who will,

In the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,

The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

Turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

But half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!





Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,

And remember...

We all say things we don't really mean,

So think before you speak

Centrelink Office Conversation



A bogan walked into the Centrelink office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'



The worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard
for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.



You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.



You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her s#xual urges.



You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'



The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'



The Centrelink worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.'

All these examples do NOT imply that petrol is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.
You will be really shocked by the last one (at least, I was)!!!
cid:022801c88479$ff32fce0$0401a8c0@BUNNIE


Think a litre of petrol is expensive?


This makes you think, and also puts things into perspective.



Can of Red Bull, 250ml, $2.95 ... $11.80 per litre!



Robitussin Cough Mixture, 200ml, $9.95 ..... $199.00 per litre!

L'Oreal Revitalift Day Cream, 50ml, $29.95 ... $599.00 per litre!



Bundy Rum, 1250ml, $51.00 .... $40.80 per litre!


Visine AC

Visene Eye Drops, 15ml, $5.69 ... $379.00 per litre!


Britney Spears Fantasy (50ml) For Her

Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume, 50ml, $29 ... $580.00 per litre!




And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water, 375ml, $2.95 ...$7.86 per litre!
$7.86 for a litre of WATER!!

and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is NAIVE!!)



Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?

So they can hook you for the ink!!

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at, you won't believe it but it's true; $1,040 a litre.


$1040.00 A LITRE!!!

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Red Bull, Robitussin, L'Oreal or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!



And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!



When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears

With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When

They were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school

Every morning



... Uphill... Barefoot.



BOTH ways



Yadda, yadda, yadda



And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

There was no way in hell I was going to lay



A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it



And how easy they've got it!



But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of

Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of

Today.



You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my

Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!



And I hate to say it but you kids today you

Don't know how good you've got it!



I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we

Wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and

Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!



There was no email!! We had to actually write

Somebody a letter, with a pen!



...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put

It in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!



There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to

Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and

Shoplift it yourself!



Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and

The DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!





We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you

Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy

Signal, that's it!



And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be

Your school,

Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a

Collections agent, you

Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your

Chances, mister!



We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video

Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!

With games

Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little

Square! You

Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no

Multiple levels or

Screens, it was just one screen

Forever!



And you could never win. The game just kept getting

Harder and harder and

Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!





You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what

Was

On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had

To get off

Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and

There was no

Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons

On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to

Wait ALL WEEK

For cartoons, you spoiled

Little bastards!



And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat

Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!



That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids

Today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted

Five minutes back in 1980!



Regards,

The over 30 Crowd



(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile,

Whether they are under 30 or not.)